Let's take it back a step.

Hello everyone, I am back. I hope people had an amazing evening at TNM gig night and I was gutted to not be able to attend.

This week it is time for things to get a little more serious and bring everything back to where this whole campaign began. Here is a warning that the following blog will contain references and a story related to rape and sexual assault.

Rape. This is a word that I have always struggled to say. I have battled inwardly with sexual assault, rape and the stories which surround these words in my head since I was young. We hear stories every single day, some harder to hear than others. I know people who have brushed off sexual assault as if it was a normal part of their everyday yet alongside these people, I know others whose lives have been completely turned upside down.

The sad fact of it is, whether it’s upskirting, unwanted touching, unwanted talking, assault or rape, there are not many people who do not have a story to share. With the “Me Too” movement creating a lot of discussion, more and more stories emerged. From this, I found myself questioning everything a lot more. I was saddened to realise that when I read most stories, I was saying things like “god, this has happened to me loads of times.” Or “I wouldn’t call that sexual assault,” or “wow, it doesn’t even bother me when someone does that.” It is these thoughts that are wrong. It is sexual assault and it is not normal. Behaviour which makes people feel uncomfortable is not okay.

We have all read plenty of articles on what constitutes as sexual assault, and how awful our culture has become. We know we should be speaking out and we know that we should not accept inappropriate behaviour just because it is something that we see every day.

Nonetheless, this is not really what I want to talk about today. The next part of the article was written by an anonymous person who shared their story with The Noisy Movement team.

“If I am being honest with everyone reading, I am not writing this article for anyone else, it is more for myself. I have never really discussed what happened to me. In fact, I had never even given it much thought. I grew up in a small town in England where my day to day life was fairly normal. I have two older brothers and because of this I have always been used to relying on boys but this isn't always good.

I was too young when I lost my virginity and very drunk.

“What a silly girl!”

“God, she’s too young.”

“She’s always been a slut.”

“Why can’t she just stay away from older boys.”

These are phrases that I heard for years when I was at school. They are phrases and people which probably affected me much more than the actual act of losing my virginity. How can something which you can’t remember hurt you, right? Unfortunately, that is not true.

I was at a party with a lot of friends, and a few people who were definitely not “friends.” I had been dating this older guy on and off for a year. This night was probably the first time I had properly drank. I remember speaking to him and deciding to go for a walk. I then remember arguing with him, then kissing him. Then I remember nothing. Nothing... until I was semi-conscious in a bush feeling a pain which I knew wasn’t right.

In the morning, I remembered nothing. I only questioned what had happened due to the pain I felt all over my body and the various messages from friends who had seen me in some state. I had cuts and bruises on my back and leaves in my hair. I spoke to the boy who confirmed we had sex and that was that. I knew what I was like, I am sure when I was that drunk and kissed him and gave off the impression it was ok. However, I was a young, extremely intoxicated girl who was in no position to be giving consent to anything and there lies the point.

I was fine if I am honest. I had been called a slut for years, I had been bullied badly and now I was just becoming all of the things which people told me I was. Self-destruct mode was fully under way and I did not care. Looking back now, I see that I did care, and the damage that night did to me still follows me around.

I had always been aware that I was not ok, and I had suffered from anxiety and depression, my self-esteem was rock bottom and I masked my insecurities with a loud, bubbly, overly-confident façade. However, I had always blamed these feelings on bullies from school, who I am still sure played a part. Nonetheless, the real problem was that, that night made me insecure and vulnerable. It made me behave in a way which showed no care and love for myself and that has been something which I have battled with every day since. When I took an interest in criminal law my whole perspective change. You see things from a more rational perspective, a legal perspective with no blurred lines, a clearer sense of right or wrong. I found it hard to listen to a lot of the cases and the whole topic hit me hard. This was when I started to properly think.

I would still never say to anyone “I was raped.” A huge part of this is because I would never want to paint someone else as a “rapist.” I can’t imagine being the one who said, “he raped me.” This all happened when I was 15 but I am dealing with the consequences of this now. I still deal with issues of insecurities and feeling unwanted. It has made it hard to trust people, but the biggest issue is how it has made me feel about myself. I have been unable to love myself, constantly turning to others for affection and appreciation. As well as all that I now have a slightly complicated relationship with sex. I also now have a battle with the thought of anything like that happening to anyone I know. I am 24 now and still the reality of everything is hard to understand."

There is a lot that can be taken away from the story above. We can look at the idea of consent and how blurred those lines can be. I think the most important thing to take away from this story is how delayed the response to what happened to this person was. Understanding how something like this affects you is not easy. However, when speaking to this person it is clear how much the realisation of where the vulnerability and self-hatred came from has helped. It is important to understand that when, and if something affects you or makes you uncomfortable you deal with it in the appropriate way to help yourself. You do not have a prerogative to look after anyone else but yourself and what makes you feel okay. I know that it is not my place to say, but as advice from human to human, try and talk about things. It is easier to understand the way you feel if you communicate with the right people. Everyone has their stories and each persons’ different. There is not just one “type” of rape or one “type” of sexual assault and there is no right or wrong. This blog was not about defining rape, defining consent or labelling people, victims and rapists but about how things which happen can affect you and it doesn’t matter when it happened or how big or small it was.

It is important to highlight that there are helplines which can be called and mental health services which can be contacted. There is also my email address and The Noisy Movement social media sites which are always open to hear stories and respond in a way which ensures people feel safe. Thank you for reading the blog this week and please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or information you wish to share.

The free, 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247

The Rape Crisis national freephone helpline on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year)

www.supportline.org.uk

anniemuggoch@icloud.com

www.rapecrisis.org.uk