Men supporting Men

The discussion on men’s mental health has opened up a whole new chapter to the Noisy Movement but on a more personal note it has really helped me to understand things from a new perspective. It is easy to make the world a black and white place and as hard as we try not to, it is part of our nature to compartmentalise everything. This is just not how the world works. Unfortunately, for us all, the world and everyone in it is a big grey area filled with heaps of emotions.

As I said before, I do not have much advice to give on this topic and even if I thought I did, I am in no position to be commenting. Therefore, this week, I turned to the people who this is most important for. MALES. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by incredible boys who fill my life with a lot of joy. Most of the time. Unfortunately, I have also been there to see some friends in very dark places, hence why this topic has been so important to me. This week, I turned to a few close friends for help. I thought it would be best to hear from them that it would be to hear from me. Here is what they had to say to my very vague questions:

‘You know if I had a tip, it would be that as a guy – even as a grown man – you should never be afraid or ashamed of crying. I myself have had a couple of rough patches so far in my adulthood, not for anything particularly, but more just as a result of generally feeling sad or more fundamentally; very unhappy.

I am sure I am not alone in this, but despite having the most supportive people beside you, more often than not you feel like you are alone. I think something that really helps you pick yourself up in the moment is just having a good old cry.

I have always felt a little part of me telling myself to “man up” borne of the stigma that men shouldn’t or can’t cry but at the end up of the day when you’ve got to, you’ve got to.

I am very fortunate in the way that I have never had to deal with serious mental health issues, and so I am sure this advice is incredibly limited in its utility. However, in so far as general feelings of depression is concerned, whether that be as a result of some particular event, loss, or just “out of the blue” – guys should never feel ashamed about shedding a few.”

“You know I think from another perspective it is important to remember that you are not a therapist to your friends. They might not want to talk to you about it at all, and that’s ok. There are other ways you can help, often by just striving to spend time with them. Never pressure someone you care about into confiding in you.”

" I think men find it particularly difficult to speak about mental health. I’d say about 1/3 of my friends have had some mental health problems before and all have waited to say something until it got to a really bad point. When something so damaging is so commonplace we should be talking about it more and making these issues less uncomfortable to discuss. I think often a fear of embarrassment and feeling abnormal to everyone else inhibits men from confronting mental health problems or even admitting that there is one in the first place. It seems falsely prophetic to realise this yet not have a solution, and unfortunately, I don’t have one either. I think society needs to evolve into a more welcoming space for these issues to be discussed. – We hope, as The Noisy Movement, that although we do not know much, we can provide a platform, a safe place for people to talk. As has been done through this blog, the boys have been given a platform to say something without actually having to talk directly."

We hope, as The Noisy Movement, that although we do not know much, we can provide a platform, a safe place for people to talk. As has been done through this blog, the boys have been given a platform to say something without actually having to talk directly.

Story

“I don’t hide the fact that I overthink, over-emotionalise and over-attach on a very regular basis. To the point where it becomes super irrational. If my brain is left to wonder, it just goes in directions it shouldn’t. I feel left out, I overthink and doubt my decisions, I stop believing in myself. Such thinking, even anxiety at some points, has caused significant problems with my connections with people, both directly and indirectly. Over-emotionalising, especially with human connections, has led to me to completely blow small things out of proportion, especially relationships.

So basically, all of this happens when my brain is left to wander. Instead, I have to shift the focus towards productivity, then I can turn it into something great.

I noticed that my method of coping with these sorts of things, all this mental activity that has the power to take me down, is to make “to do” lists that help me achieve my long terms goals. These lists can be the most mundane things: “Do groceries”, “Answer Annie” or even “Write your gratitude list”.

I noticed that when I give myself a physical list of things to do, and I note down when I’ve finished them, the level of satisfaction does wonders for me. I realised that I work better when I have guidance and specific tasks to do. The more you manage to define goals, the faster you accomplish the overarching goal. I am so much more content with myself if I have my to-do-list than when I don’t. I know this for a fact because only 3 days ago (early May) I started doing my lists again when I had not done the last one since the end of January of this year. I was not in a good place for the past months but now I can already feel myself getting better.

I also found that physical activity helped me so much, especially with focus and stress release. It also trains your brain in being calm which helped me during tough academic times and stressful situations. For six months I went intensively to the gym and man did it help so much, both mentally and physically. Now I switched to practising Krav Maga 2 to 3 times a week and it has taught me so much about myself, built confidence in me and taught me how to handle both mentally and physically stressful situations.

Talking about mental health is hard but no one has to fast forward into something they’re not ready for. Allow yourself to shrink back into what is comfortable. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and have the courage to remove people who don’t.”

I know that this week the blog has been a bit all over the place, with a lot of random information. However, this was sort of the vibe I was trying to get across. Mental health is a bit all over the place, where no story, or solution is the same. I felt it was important to try and get boys important to me just thinking. Talking to me but whilst I was providing them with a platform to get it out to other people. Hopefully, we can continue to do this on a bigger scale. As discussed before, perhaps this needs to be approached differently, simply “talking” is not the solution for most people out there. However, sharing and reading information which takes away the stigma is the aim.

The patriarchy has damaged us all, and sometimes we all forget to consider what this has done to men. Let’s take it to basics, as a woman hearing the word “man up” is derogatory and annoying more than anything. However, hearing that phrase as a young man, I believe is damaging, and we see what the patriarchy has done to male friends, lovers, colleagues and family every day. Through talking about all of this and tackling problems which have been stigmatised by the patriarchy, hopefully, one small step at a time, things can change.

As usually The Noisy Movement is always looking for people to help us. Please continue to get in contact with me if you feel you have anything to share/say.

anniemuggoch@icloud.com