My Mental Health Journey

This blog post is a bit different from our usual as our president Emily shares an honest retelling of her mental health journey. Emily is a pillar of our community both at The Noisy Movement and Edinburgh Uni and we are honoured to highlight her story.

Trigger warning: The following story includes mentions of anxiety, counselling, and overall themes regarding mental health.

What has your mental health journey looked like?

When I was 11, my mum passed away, and I became very secluded and angry at school. I became more anxious about the smallest things and less confident in myself. My school nurse saw how nervous I became and gave me a little book on how to fight off the anxiety demon. In my second year, I experienced my first ever panic attack and had no idea what it was and what triggered it. From then on my mental health was all over the place. I just put it down to stress and finding University overwhelming. But the more I suppressed these feelings I became more anxious and down. It really was the start of a downward spiral. I would become so anxious before going to parties with people who I knew, and I became very isolated. In my third year, going through my first break up really triggered a lot of emotions. For me, it was another bereavement, and I became angry at myself because I blamed myself for it. My mental health in 2nd year was a huge factor and I still feel guilty. I then spoke to a friend who had signed up to the student counselling service and I considered it and signed up too. The first session made me realise I had a lot of mental health issues and emotions I hadn’t dealt with. I started to doubt myself as a person and would beat myself up about the tiniest things. The counselling helped me understand that I do need to look after myself. Then, I attended private counselling sessions and with these, it helped me understand why I was feeling that way and what I can do to cope with them. Now I feel like I am more capable to deal with them and understand why. For me, if lockdown didn’t happen, I think my mental health would be the same way it was a year ago. It made me really listen to myself and find ways which I personally find beneficial. Taking time to think about my mentality has been so helpful. It is so normal to have negative feelings, but you need to acknowledge these feelings, as having too many which consume your thoughts is an indicator where I think you need to seek professional help.

How has your mental health been in 2020?

It’s definitely been a complete roller coaster ride without COVID and everything at the start of the year mentally I really wasn’t in a very good place, and I did fear that lockdown and everything would exacerbate it. But it honestly just made me understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling and with time stopping it really just made me feel a lot calmer and helped me categorize a lot of issues that I was having. I feel like when time just completely stopped, for everyone as well, it really made me focus a lot more on my mental health. Lockdown as well, especially being with family really really helped. But I think I am in a better place at the moment now because I feel like a lot of people are going through the same thing, they’re feeling isolated, they’re feeling frustrated. All of these sorts of feelings are coming into it but I definitely think the time that we were in lockdown, like proper lockdown, my mental health improved a lot. I was actually quite surprised cuz I thought that in the mental state that I was in it would have just plummeted and I would have gone deeper and deeper into this horrible dark hole but I actually feel like I’ve come out having conquered and dealt with quite a lot of my inner demons. It’s definitely been a complete rollercoaster but since probably about June it has gone up. And obviously, there’s the week or the day when you just feel like you can’t do anything and anxiety for me is one of my biggest issues and socializing with people and with everything going on with COVID too it is making me a lot more anxious because I don’t know how people are gonna react, I don’t know if people will want to come to a coffee shop and sit and have coffee. So for me, it’s sort of having to be dealt with in that way but I definitely feel a lot stronger because of it.

Did you seek out any resources pre-lockdown?

The biggest thing for me was going to private counselling so I attended the student counselling for the three sessions that they give you and I was not ready to leave the counselling session at all. So before I ended my last session I was able enough to speak to my dad and we found a private counsellor in Marchmont in Edinburgh and I was able to go to him every week for an hour. But I’m only in that position because my dad was able to afford it. It was ten pounds a session but honestly, it was well needed. It was about time I actually got a counsellor. So those are the resources I looked into. Also, a big one for me was the Big White Wall. Where you anonymously type your frustration and your feelings out there. And for me, the fact that it was anonymous was so helpful but also for me it felt like it was a relief of me getting all of these feelings out. Because personally, I don’t like sitting and speaking to friends and family about all these issues that I have because I still do feel that I’m a burden on them. Which shouldn’t be the case but for me I definitely do because I want to be my best self when I see my friends and my family and I know that that’s not going to happen every single time you see them but for me, the Big White Wall was so helpful. I’ve stopped my counselling sessions now because I did feel that the counsellor thought that I was coming to the stage where I didn’t need to have counselling anymore which I was very frustrated about because I don’t think that’s his call. But I feel like during this semester I haven’t wanted to turn to counselling because I do feel like even just going to those 12 sessions, like 12 weeks, was still a very good substantial amount and I feel like because I was able to go and speak to him and he was able to tell me its ok to feel like that. It’s helped me as well to understand. Meditation has also been key for me, I sometimes wake up with an anxious stomach so I’ve found it extremely useful to take that time out of my day to understand and listen to the anxieties I am feeling and not suppress them. Exercise, the gym for me has been so useful. It’s a useful place for me to get my anger out. Counselling is extremely helpful to get someone who understands that mental health issues are constantly present in everyone.

How did lockdown affect your mental health? Did you go home?

Yes! Luckily for me, I was at home with my family. In my third year, my mental health was not good and for me, my home was a sanctuary and a comfort blanket for me. Going home was what I wanted to do. A lot of issues were ironed out with my family during this time. I felt we were all going in opposite directions and not communicating with each other properly. It allowed us to have quality time with each other and understand the issues we had. Lockdown was a blessing in disguise, my mental health wouldn’t be where it was now without it.

How has it been coming back to University alongside COVID restrictions?

It’s been tough. I think I can speak for most people and say it has been stressful, learning how to work online and find a routine is hard! Not being able to go to the library for how long you like has been strange. I still don’t feel like I know what is working best for me. The best piece of advice I can give to people who are feeling the same is to do what you feel works best for you. I never thought I would work at the desk in my room but this year it’s where I feel most productive and comfortable. Understanding what is best for me has been a huge milestone in terms of my mental health. I really listen to myself a lot more.

How are you dealing with COVID related anxiety?

For me, the biggest pressure I have found is being deemed a good citizen but also dealing with mental health issues. I’ve found that really difficult and I think that when students in Scotland were told not to go to pubs one weekend because we were seen as being the spreaders really affected me as it put a huge amount of pressure on us. Grappling with mental health issues alongside feeling guilty of doing things which impact others has been a huge setback for me. Trying to find a happy medium between being a good citizen and dealing with mental health issues is really tough.

How have you found communication during this time?

It’s been sad as there is such a lack of human connection. I’ve really struggled with not having personal interactions. One of the biggest reasons why I stopped counselling was that it was going to be virtual. To me, it would seem very impersonal and not a useful tool for me at the moment. I am missing the sense of University community and this feeling of disjointedness does not sit well with me, and I can guess most people too.

How did you get into meditation?

My school ran a health week and my school nurse ran a meditation workshop with us, this was my first encounter with it and at that time I just thought it was a time where I could close my eyes in school and not work. My counsellor also suggested it to me and told me the benefits of it. So, after that, I started to meditate before bed or whenever I feel stressed. It has really helped me to acknowledge and properly feel my emotions.

Why did you want to tell us about your journey?

I just want to give a real and raw experience of my mental health journey. I want people reading this to maybe relate to some of the things I have said and encourage others to really look after their mental health.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing trouble dealing with mental health we recommend seeking advice. Here are some resources to consider: