Not So Sexy Sex.

Let’s talk about SEX. I thought that it was time to lighten things up, make you all laugh and hopefully help you realise that life is not a movie and neither is sex. We are not all living in a porno or 50 shades movie and it is important that we all realise that.

Now, I love sex. 10/10 would recommend… but with that love for sex comes plenty of awkward, embarrassing stories which I am sure some people believe shouldn’t be repeated but as many of you know, I do not have an issue talking about my sex life. I wanted to get you all talking about sex. We are here to make noise… and today that noise is going to be very sexy.

I thought long and hard about how to do this blog post. I could talk all about myself… I could talk about things which I worry about, I could go down the route of what I think people should be aware of or WE could talk about everything all together. So, I gathered a selection of men and women of all ages and got them talking. I now have a phone filled with hilarious sex stories. I learnt a lot when speaking to people but mainly that:

1. My “girl” friends love talking about sex. They love it.

2. My “boy” friends HATE talking about sex. Especially anything which actually needs to be spoken about.

3. I have far too close a relationship with my mother.

4. Nothing changes as you get older.

I have no doubt these stories, monologues and quotes will bring you endless hilarity. However, I feel it very necessary to highlight the importance behind these stories. YOU CAN’T BE SEXY ALL THE TIME. No one is. You are not the only one who has those painfully awkward or just painful moments.

Firstly, before jumping into the stories I have chosen for you to hear. I felt it necessary to simply just put down some quotes and thoughts which people shared with me when I brought up this topic. Ease everyone in gently….

“For me simultaneous orgasms are run of the mill and I only found out that that’s not normal 10 years ago… not sure how this will help your blog but there you go.” – yes ladies, some of us are just lucky.

“Since the only man I have had sex with since I was 18 is ****, I don’t think I am a rich seam of hilarity. One shag sort of melts into the next for 32 years.”

“I gave one of my first blow jobs and the boy had to tell me that you don’t really “blow” you “suck.” Well how the fuck is a young girl meant to know that.”

“Annie… I think you need to be more selfish when having sex, I am thinking about me all the time, I just want me to be happy… not that a man has ever made me orgasm.”

Person 1 – “Do you know what I find weird… talking during sex.”

Person 2 – “Depends what is being said… I don’t mind my name being said.”

Person 1 – “They never even know my name to say it.”

“He didn’t have a condom, so I just crossed my legs, flicked my hair and said your loss.”

“I don’t know why boys think we don’t masturbate; I love porn and I use my vibrator like 4 times a day.”

“I just don’t want to spend one more second of my life trying to get a half-erect penis into a vagina.”

“Best orgasm I have ever had was accompanied by a really really loud fart. Guess all those muscles are connected.”

“Sex with girls is so much easier than boys and their bloody penises. You don’t have to spend so much time looking for the hole.”

“It isn’t my fault that I have never lasted long enough to make a girl cum... I keep trying”

“I mean I only lasted a minute and then we just spooned, so it wasn’t the night either of us had planned.”

I had a lot of people say to me, “Annie, I just have normal sex, I do not have any exciting stories.” And that is exactly what I wanted to hear. It is the “normal” sex, which isn’t all whips, chains and orgasms that needs to be discussed. I am 21 years old; I wouldn’t say I am an expert but from experiences I have had, I would say sex is “fine” more than it is mind blowing. If I could completely rewrite the monologue which runs through my head during sex I would. 70% of the time it usually goes:

“How long is he going to last?”

“Well, I am definitely not going to cum.”

“Why can I feel my belly wobbling as we do this.”

And “I really shouldn’t have had that last gin and tonic.”

Moving on. Let’s start with some stories from my lovely lady friends. The female orgasm, a black hole which we will never understand. When is it coming? What makes it come? How can something so good be such a mystery to us all?

1: “You know, I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years at this point. We had lots of great sex, very often. I remember we were about to go out for lunch with his parents and we decided to have sex quickly before (classic). I had orgasms before, mediocre ones, usually from oral. We were just doing missionary, keeping things fairly classy until suddenly…I squirted. It came from fucking nowhere. I was convinced this was something which only happened on pornhub. LIFE CHANGING. It was a life changing moment. In the background of all the excitement and ehhh liquids… little mix “touch” was playing. Now, every time, I hear the words “Just a touch of your love is enough to take control of my whole body,” my whole vagina curls up. Sad to say this boy, this song and squirting are no longer a part of my life.”

2: “First time I squirted I thought I had peed myself. The guy I was with turned to me and was like “Oh, has that never happened before?” He then instantly turned into a cocky prick, behaving as if he had some sort of magic penis. He then insisted that I slept on the opposite side of the bed to him, on a towel…. Luckily this man is no longer a part of my life and my boyfriend now loves it, makes it all about me. AS IT SHOULD BE.”

The next stories are from completely anonymous people of different ages and genders.

3 “I was cleaning myself up after a one-night stand and I looked at my bed afterwards, as I had put a towel down to catch any bodily fluids. What did I find? A little nugget of poo… I had never been in this situation before, so I had no idea what to do. I ran down to my two straight flat mates to get them to have a look. Needless to say, I have never lived this down nor have I ever seen the boy again.”

4 “My sister had a great one… She was in the Netherlands on holiday and went home with a guy. They were removing each other’s clothes when she got a feel of his penis:

“What the hell do you want me to do with that?” – quote to the Dutch man, whose penis was the size of 2 coke cans sitting on top of each other. The man instantly burst into tears and a very awkward conversation played out before he left.”

5 “You know… he pushed my head down… it was his own fault. I had drunk about 800 gin and tonics. What did he expect? I threw up everywhere, all over him. I mean, it didn’t matter too much, we had a shower and got back to it but DON’T PUSH MY HEAD DOWN, I will get there in my own time.”

6 “I struggled with sore sex for years. Sometimes it would be so painful I would have to stop and sometimes it was amazing with no pain at all. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I lost confidence in myself. How could I be so in the mood yet as soon as we started it could really hurt me? Why was my body not cooperating with my mind? I think this is what made me learn about myself and how true it is that sex isn’t always the same, it’s not going to feel the same every time and you need to be willing to experiment. It’s so important to understand yourself and have a partner who is willing to take time and effort into finding out what works. There is nothing wrong with you. As soon as I understood this, things improved dramatically because I realised it’s not something to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. It’s not just you. As soon as I opened up to other people I began to realise just how common it is. Taking the time to work through this means I actually really understand my own body now and it feels great!”

7 “I mean people have to realise there is a lot of liquid during sex, sometimes a lot of blood. Once I was really drunk and literally exploded with blood, I had no idea what it was… same thing happened again a few years later and I broke this guy’s banjo string. Instantly assumed the blood was mine and hid in the toilet for ages.”

8 “oooo, pre 18 (which was 2nd year uni for me, so not quite as sad as it sounds). I was trying to be all athletic and sexy. I put both my legs behind my head à la pretzel and fanny farted. Didn’t go well after that as we both tried to pretend it was the squeaky floor boards.”

9 Boy - “Most of the time I can get it up but then it is just stuck. It’s not nice for anyone when it lasts too long let’s face it. Nothing is going to happen here, I am just tired now. How the hell do I get out of this situation without her being offended?”

Girl – “I mean, I don’t know why you think we would be offended, we probably just want it to be over too. If it isn’t fun anymore then end it. What’s the point in sex not being fun?”

10 “I didn’t have any expectations of Swedish boys, they aren’t really my type. But it had been a weekend filled with copious amounts of alcohol and sometimes lust takes over. I don’t really understand what happened, but all I remember is it being 10pm on a Sunday and being bent over a balcony. I swear to god I had never seen anything that big in my life, I had the worst UTI ever afterwards. Think it’s safer to stick to British boys with average size penises.”

There you have it. Your daily intake of reality. Take all these stories with a pinch of salt and don’t ever go into sex thinking that you have to be anything you are not. Sex is fun and amazing and should continue to be all these things, but it is also messy and that is ok. These stories are funny and good to read but not all stories related to sex are. Over the next few months, the blog will be covering various other topics related to sex and the emotions that surround it, some more hard-hitting than others. Not all noise is good noise. Keep an eye on the page and help me in raising awareness.

It doesn’t take a genius to notice that a lot of these stories came from females. Here lies the problem which will lead us nicely onto The Noisy Movement’s next topic of mental health, particularly in males. Girls, we are good at making a hell of a lot of noise. But it is time to help our fellow boys in making noise with us.

Please remember to keep contacting me at: anniemuggoch@icloud.com with your stories or questions.