PART 1- Nightmares becoming reality and the 7 seconds that changed my life.

This week we look at another immensely important topic. Felix Brooke has written a post about dealing with the loss of his best friend, through suicide. As The Noisy Movement chose to do a lot of work and discussions around Mens Mental Health, this topic is very close to home. As I have got older it never fails to shock me how many people around me are affected by suicide of others or thoughts of suicide. This devastating thing affects more people than we could ever realise. Felix hits us with the tragic reality of his story, but there are so many more. His blog will be split into two parts and continued in the coming weeks.

"For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt that I was someone the people around me could rely on for advice and comfort, It wasn’t until my world started falling apart that I realised it’s not always as easy to ask for help as you’d like it to be.

Last summer I decided to take a leap and try something new, I travelled to Canada to work as a senior counsellor and Trampoline coach for 2 months, leaving my friends and family behind. I knew I’d have little to no contact with them for most my time there. All was going well a week in, it was a struggle initially to make a solid bond with anyone. What most people don’t realise (or at least I didn’t) is that that majority of the staffing for these camps comes from people who used to be campers there. Hence as a new member of staff coming into the camp, 90% of the other staff had known each other for most of their life. Nonetheless, it took time, but I was settled in well and everyone there was incredibly welcoming and friendly. The Children arrived and a week passed, I was enjoying myself and finally got to have my first day off. We got to a bar where I had wifi that worked for the first time in a while and received several messages from my closest friends. In all honesty my first thought was that the flat we had put a deposit down on and secured, had fallen through, so I didn’t feel all that much urgency in getting back to them. It would’ve been almost 1am back home now but I dropped them a message because I knew it would be a while before I could get in contact with them again, they replied but insisted we spoke over the phone.

Heart pounding when the phone rang I answered. I never thought a phone call that lasted all of 7 seconds could change the rest of my life. “It’s Pete,” the two words spoke that spoke a thousand. One of my best friends, flatmates and someone who made the first two years at university so much brighter and easier, had taken his own life. I couldn’t even stay on the phone. The only words that managed to come out of my mouth before I hung up were “I can’t”.

For someone who has always felt they’ve carried their head strong on their shoulders, breaking down hysterically outside a small town bar in the middle of nowhere surrounded by 10 people I had known for all of 2 weeks is no easy feat. I was lucky enough to have one of my best friends from home there, and without him I don’t think I would have got through the whole experience. What I think is important for people to understand here is that if they have friends or family going through a similar thing is that at that, there are no words here that can make you feel better. I didn’t need him to try and make me feel better, just knowing he was there next to me when I was feeling vulnerable was enough and I will never be able to thank him enough for that.

Being me, I of course tried to compose myself, broken inside but trying to put a strong face on for the rest of the night, or so I hoped. For those of you who know me this will come as no surprise but I walked back into that bar puffy eyed with 3 shots and 2 pints in hand which lasted no more than 5 minutes. That night I had to sit outside and have a breakdown 4 more times before we left.

The next morning I was feeling rough but all I could think about was going home. I wanted the camp leaders to understand my decision so went over to the office first thing to tell them what had happened. I was faced with choosing whether to come home and be able to support and be supported by my friends and family or stay in Canada where I was now finding it impossible to enjoy myself. I was hiding away to pull myself together, which was almost impossible when I shared a cabin with 4 other staff and 11 children. Staying of course also meant missing the funeral. So this had been playing in my head all night up until I spoke to the leaders. I was in tears barely able to get my words out. I felt 8 years old and helpless I was just looking for them to tell me that whatever I decide to do they will whole heartedly support. Instead I was told that if a child’s grandparent died whilst they were at camp they would not be allowed to go home. Now I am hoping that reading that, you were as shocked and angry as I was. I didn’t even know what to say, I just about knew the names of the leaders, had very few if any meetings with them previously and they’d just compared the life of my best friend and flat mate from day one of university, to a 9 year old child and their grandparent. I felt small, I even considered that I was overreacting to the situation, I couldn’t just sit and cry in the office anymore because although I was being treated like one, I was not a child. I was 20 years old and I felt relatively mature for my age when I needed to be, I can make my own decisions. Not only that but I was also told to be open to the staff and children about how I was feeling and what had happened as they felt it would be good for them! Straight away I knew that they only cared about the experience the campers were getting and I knew it wasn’t a healthy place for me to stay in. I was furious and when I’m angry I rant. Finally I was approached by someone a little more understanding who told me exactly what I wanted to hear, that although they wanted me to stay they support my decision to leave and will make it as easy as possible.

I’ve rushed through that story quickly, it went on for a few weeks but even to me it’s all a bit of a blur. I always find that when I go away for long periods of time I feel like time at home stops and I’ll just resume my life where I left off but unfortunately that’s not how life works. It wasn’t a light decision to come home, I ended up losing almost £1000 in salary and £500 spent on flights but at the end of the day it’s something that I knew I needed. The people around you may at some point ask for advice on a decision where there is no obvious option, but what’s important to take from this, is that sometimes they don’t need you to decide for them, I knew what I wanted to do I just wanted everyone to tell me that whatever difficulties I faced as a result, they’d be there for me.

The journey was a long one and though difficult to this day I would do it 1000 times over because I got my chance to say goodbye. It was the hardest month of my life, I ran out of tears to cry in the end but sometimes that’s just what you need. I was home surrounded by the people I needed and who needed me and could finally start to sort my head out, oh how I wish it was that simple.

The last 12 months since it happened have been horrendous, I’ve experienced more grief in this last year than I think anyone should ever have to face in a lifetime. I won’t go into all of it now, maybe I’ll save that for a future blog post but one of the main things I struggled with was asking for help. I’ve always been an independent person, any problem that I have I would much rather deal with myself than unload onto anyone else. I can’t help but think this has stemmed from being someone that other people rely on. I find myself dealing with so many of others’ problems that often I don’t have time to deal with my own until I can’t ignore them anymore and it is too late. All I ask is that after reading this, take a little more time to think about the people you go to for help. I’d never ask anyone to stop telling me their issues, I want to know. All I ask is that once in a while you turn around and ask everyone around you how they’re doing because they may be all laughs but like me they may be a little bit broken on the inside."

By Felix Brooke