Reflection, Kindness and Being a Mum.

HELLO EVERYBODY! I have been working non-stop so sorry for the silence on my part. However, this does mean that you have got to hear from some amazing people with some pretty incredible things to say. Now this week we look to THE most important person in my life. My mother. She has been a fan of the Noisy Movement since we got it up and running. Although shocked by our sex stories she was pleased that it is so clear how much we talk about everything. This week she talks to us about what she has learnt and taken away from reading our blogs. She talks of insecurities, divorce, reflection and the importance of mental health and professional help. I think no matter what age you are, this blog is worth reading through carefully. Listening to someone else reflect is often a very good way to bring more clarity to your own mind.

This blog is more of a reflection than anything else but I think it is important to read with a message that we should all be paying attention to in a world filled with far too much hatred.

"So, when I was asked to write a blog for the noisy movement I thought, “I can’t do that I have nothing interesting to talk about. I am too old for this lot!”

Anyway, not one for giving up I decided to re-read all the blogs and then decide if I could add anything.

After reading all the blogs one thing shines through – it is good to talk! It’s good to talk about sex, whatever age you are, it’s good to talk about mental health and all feelings, good or bad, it’s good to talk about the issues in the world and so on. So, what can I add to this?

I am 51 and a mum, a teacher, a friend, a partner, separated from my husband and the thing that has been a constant throughout my life has been my negativity towards body image and a little bit of a lack of self -esteem. This wouldn’t be obvious on first impressions as, like so many others, I hide behind a loud laugh and an apparent “big personality.” I still haven’t overcome this, so any hints and tips would be great. (blog idea anyone?) This is the area of my life that I am least proud of and one that I hope I haven’t passed on.

Although we talk and discuss things in much more depth than the previous generation we have not mastered it as well as you lot! On balance, I would always say it’s good to talk. However, from my point of view I often find that talking makes me over think and over analyse and on occasions become very introspective. From this I have learnt that what is most important is to look out and not in as much as I can and listen to others.

The men in my life have never been so good at talking about feelings and that’s hard. Although experience has taught me that they tend to mean what they say and are less likely to be manipulating the situation.

Being a Mum I am always surprised by the maturity of my daughters and how much of a balanced view they have about life. I often feel they are more ‘grown up’ than I am! My eldest daughter has always talked to me and told me most things as she has been growing up. To be honest, ‘too much information’ on occasions but I am not complaining because it has taught me to be more open and honest. I have learned more from them than they have from me.

Humour and laughing have kept me sane over the years and when things are looking bleak I have tried to see the funny side and my best friends have always been the ones that I can laugh with until I cry! Over the years I have kept a core of amazing friends and they have brought so much to the party.

I don’t worry about life as much anymore because I realise that the things that get you are never the things you were worrying about. I am a glass half full type of person and I think this means that I pretend everything is ok all the time and I brush issues under the carpet. To my children, I apologise for this aspect of my personality because it often means that I can belittle their issues and problems and expect them to get on with it. I expect resilience from them at all times without really understanding that resilience requires us to process our issues and talk about them in order to move on and deal with the next bump in life in a positive way. I feel guilty that my daughters have had to talk to professionals at certain points in their lives and I couldn’t sort their problems out for them. I felt as if I had failed as a mother. However, on reflection, and after having professional help myself at the time of my marriage break up, I can see how important it can be to talk to a professional in order to understand, process and reframe the problem. Nobody should ever feel ashamed about this.

My soon to be divorced husband and myself have handled our break up well and I am proud of how we did this. We did lots of talking and I did everything in my power to avoid resentment and bad feeling. I did this, not just for the children as the stock phrase goes but for me. I did not want to feel consumed with sadness, resentment and hate and I am very happy to say that I have avoided that and feel happy and positive about life going forward. We both have new partners and we can all be in the same room and truly enjoy it. We still talk and laugh and I hope my daughters feel that they are not torn in any way. Don’t get me wrong – I am still the nag and Dad swoops in and does exciting, glamorous things with them, but I feel happy for them. I am not diminishing the hurt and pain that we went through but I am resilient and I am feeling positive and excited about all our futures.

This is really just a stream of consciousness and I am not sure I have brought anything to the blog that is new or different but I have enjoyed the reflection time so I thank you for that!

It’s hard not to go into ‘giving advice mode’ and I have tried not to, but can’t resist just one piece of wisdom I have picked up. Value kindness as highly as you can in your friends and partners and tackle issues and problems a little bit at a time and keep making noise.

As far as sex goes………………..all I can say is that nothing changes just because you are older!!"