Sex, sex, and MORE SEX

Finally, it has been a while, I know. When looking through the Noisy Movement website and the amounts of readings on each blog post, it is no secret what people seem to enjoy reading about. With over 3 times the amount of reads on the sex stories blog post compared to everything else. People love sex. Whether it is that they actually just LOVE sex, or are intrigued by it, or enjoy laughing at other people, or realising THANK F**k it isn’t only me who fanny farts.

Morally, I am not sure whether this blog getting the most reads is a good or bad thing, but let’s roll with it. When I gathered stories for the previous blog post, I got more than I could possibly fit. So, that certainly calls for a part 2. Now, I have to admit, my life has not been a sex filled dream the past few months so unfortunately, I couldn’t contribute as much as I would have liked. Nonetheless, I have friends that never fail to let me down. A few of the stories I have gathered for this blog may not be as “HILARIOUS” as previous stories, however, they are important ones, and I think it is seriously important that we read these more serious stories to understand how common behaviour like this is. Don’t worry though, there will be a few light hearted funnies thrown in there too. “Slut shaming” is something which we all talk about every day, and there has become a very blurred line between what is okay and what is not. Let’s take Maura from Love Island, a straight talking, sex loving girl. I do not see anything wrong with that and nor should any of you. Nonetheless, the fact of it is, some of the things she said would not be ok if said by a man, and should not be ok if said by her. BUT do not mistake this for girls not being able to talk about sex, I talk about sex all the time and the only way to break barriers and stigmas is by talking about it. Girls do get horny, girls do love sex and fancy the pants off people (quite literally) and that is OK.

There is also the sterotype that men talk about sex all the time, and that isn’t the case either, and if they do it isn’t necessarily the right thing. They will never say “actually me and my wife haven’t had sex in two years.”

The fact of the matter is own your sex stories. The good ones the bad ones. The time you were both too tired to have sexy sex and had just had an arguement. Talk about when you did something stupid, said something silly, your partner was too fast, too rough or farted afterwards. Also, no one has to have sex every day, or love sex, sex is complicated and thats the end of it.

Time to get to it, let’s start with a biggy:

“We were in the taxi home and for some reason I was talking about how I can’t really ride a bike and he turned to me and said, “well you can ride me.” I mean I cringed and threw up a few of the tequila shots I had taken that night. However, I turned a blind eye to this cringy comment and continued with the night. We got back to my flat and were about to get to business when he informed me that he did not have a condom. Me being the sensible lady that I am, simply told him it wasn’t happening, to which he responded, “can’t we just do anal?” I mean, yeah, obviously that’s the only clear path to take from this point. I mean really? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. Looks like I won’t be riding bikes or you anytime soon.”

“We get to a certain age where we stop talking about losing our virginity. Probably because so many more stories have got in the way of then and now. But, I do think it is important to talk about. My first time was AGONY. I was genuinely hating every second of it. I asked him to stop and went to the bathroom to sort myself out. I mean, of course it gets better but I don’t think people tell you that you need to be prepared. LUBE UP LADIES.”

“After being with my long- term boyfriend, the first guy I had sex with after that was so drunk, he couldn’t get it up (totally ok). However, after trying to force it in, he apologised and then threw up all over the floor. It was all very romantic.”

“I mean I just can’t be bothered, you know sometimes I just want to sleep, and I don’t think they understand that if I am tired it is not going to be enjoyable for anyone, so just roll over and shut up.”

“Smells like fish, tastes like chicken, that’s ok just keep on lickin’ – I use this as motivation.”

“I have always slept with people that are bigger than me, so I don’t feel like such a whale. But for some reason recently I have slept with a few smaller guys and I am not sure what to think about it. I am not even convinced they could breathe most of the time.”

“I feel like every now and then it is important to behave like a teenager, you need to stay young. So last weekend I got fingered in the garden and had sex on the floor.”

I went to a party and got with this guy who looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Already a bad sign. But anyway, we went into the bathroom and started getting it on. This guy’s pal then thought it would be good banter to unlock the bathroom door with a coin (?!?) so him and the whole queue of people waiting for the toilet got a lovely view of me straddling Shaggy on the toilet... at least he lived up to his name???

“As a slightly insecure girl, it had been a while since I had had sex in a sober state. I had been sleeping with this guy on and off for a few months when he texted me to warn me he was coming round after having some pints with the boys. I was shitting myself, there is a lot to think about. I then heard the doorbell ring, so ran to the kitchen, did two shots of gin, finished a can of tenants and got to business.”

“I mean I don’t even fake orgasms and boys still think they’ve made me cum, it makes me sad that they have probably never made a girl cum.”

“Everyone needs to understand that all the organs and muscles and whatever else are connected down there. I mean it too me a while to realise that but once I had a great orgasm, unfortunately it was accompanied by an extremely loud and smelly fart.”

“Don’t really think I have any stories, I would just quite like to be having sex, funny or not.”

“My boyfriend and I had checked out of our hotel room and were in the lobby of the hotel… but I was so horny, like it was embarrassing, so we had to get to business in the toilets.”

“Took someone home from Big Cheese (oi oi), walked back to mine but as we got closer to the flat I was less and less sure about doing stuff but hey ho stuff happened anyway. Just as things were really kicking off I asked him to leave saying I wasn’t feeling well. When the idea of watching the next episode of Sex Education is more appealing than actual sex, it’s time to boot them out. No ragrets”

“I don’t know what I am doing wrong to be honest, but boys have “accidentally” shoved it in my bum more than once. IT HURTS. I don’t get why my anus is so appealing, almost magnetic apparently. Leaves me unable to poop for days.”

I asked a few boys for stories for this blog post, and got responses such as “boys don’t get embarrassed about things” or “none of mine are appropriate” or “girls won’t want to read this” or “maybe she’ll find it offensive.” I can tell you right now that this is not the case. Us females love sex just as much as you, we have just as many vulgar stories and we talk about sex probably more. This does not make us sluts just like it does not make men sluts. I think at the end of the day, all of it comes down to some sort of mutual respect and understanding. Fortunately, I do believe we are getting there and with Love Island being turned into a show highlighting huge societal issues, I think more and more important discussions are being raised and spoken about by people all over the UK.

So, let’s all keep having lots of sex and telling our stories, and talking about it. Talking about when we love to do it, when we can’t be bloody bothered, when it is good and when it is bad. Talking about it does not make you a nymphomaniac. It shows maturity and understanding. Being aware of what you want and need sexually and expressing that does not mean that you are having crazy sex all the time. Get to know yourself and get to know others. Enjoy one of the better parts of a world where the good things matter more than anything.