To Date or Not to Date?

As Annie is away this week, I thought I (Niamh) would write the blog this week. I am continuing with the wonderful theme of sex, but focusing on consent. In particular I'm writing about the hard question when dating someone; To shag or not to shag?

Dating can be a hard thing, especially when it comes to consent. There’s no rule book for dating,- the do’s the don’ts,- which can lead to mixed signals, awkward situations, and sometimes not the nicest outcomes.

There are so many things going through your head when dating; who initiates it? Dinner or drinks? What do I drink? Do I have what they’re having? Do I give the illusion I’m classy and get wine? What if I’m steaming after one glass? What if they don’t make a move? What if they DO make a move? It’s a minefield of questions that will have different answers in every situation.

A close friend of mine (a gay man) finds it even harder. For me, there are unwritten rules that seem to be the norm with some straight couples, for example for the man to take charge or suggest a location, to offer to pay (I of course reject), but for same-sex couples there is more confusion. Paying for the date and who chooses the typical “masculine role” can sometimes be difficult to judge, it’s a big issue for the gay community as a whole, judging someone based on their preference of “acting manly” and associating this with a sex position. So on a first date my friend get super nervous about these gender roles because he’s so caught up in it, people try superbly hard to stop it - it’s a socially built stereotype as some generally prefer masculine guys.

My friend, let’s call him Adam, is recently single, after a long, loving relationship, and has started dating. This is difficult for anyone of course, especially when one encounters the date from hell.

This man showed an interest, took charge, and sometimes that’s just what you need, someone to lay it down. The date started well, he got a beer so Adam followed, deciding the wine hangover wouldn’t dictate his weekend. The conversation was average, just your basic get to know each other and stuff. Then... things got interesting.

He said he was studying, currently doing a PHD. He seemed pretty cocky, like ok well done you’re smart. Adam nodded, pretending to be interested in molecular chemistry. Clearly realising Adams disinterest he said “do you even know what PHD stands for?” Eh ok… Rude. Like sorry I don’t know what PHD stands for, ARREST ME. Adam, being the intellectual that he was replied politely, “oh I’m not sure actually, is it something in Latin?”

“No, it stands for PRETTY HUGE DICK.”

Wow. Not only is he cocky, he’s crude, and just plain weird. Are you even supposed to laugh at that?

The date went on, and it was clear that this would not lead to a second date never mind a relationship. But still, Adam remained polite as he sipped his rank beer.

It got to the end of the date, the bit that no one ever really knows how to handle. Now I don’t speak for everyone, but I would say the reasonable way to pay for a date would be to half it. We are in the 21st century people! I think it’s nice if the man offers, as it’s polite of course, but come on, if you drink half of it pay half of it. With two men, it shouldn’t be much different. He offered, Adam politely declined and said they will half it. He then got far too aggy, far too pushy, it was just odd especially as he didn’t seem like he wanted to invest anymore time seeing Adam never mind £60 for the bill. It just became awkward so Adam called it a day and let him pay; anything to end this date sooner.

They left the restaurant, and he asked what way Adam was heading. Adam said he was heading home, and oddly they both started walking together. Adam steered the walk around the block, then said he really should be heading home, ending the date. He asked should they get a taxi back to Adams instead of walking... Adam began to realise what was going on. “I mean, I’m sorry but I have work tomorrow so should be getting home!” Weak excuse, but I mean no means no, right? No need to take the hint, just go home. Then came the killer: “I just paid for your drinks, the least you could do would be inviting me back.”

Now.

Where was the invite? Where was the consent? Nowhere to be seen.

Sex was not explicitly on the agenda, but I think it’s not wrong to assume that’s what was implied here. Even if it wasn’t, paying for dinner is still not an open invitation back to someone’s house.

The dangers of dating are seen in this scenario, but that is by no means the only things to look out for. Dating can be intimidating, you are voluntarily going to meet a stranger, and possibly allow them into your house, your life, your secrets. Adam was strong enough to say no, to not feel pressured into allowing the man into his house, to being an uncomfortable host and offering a drink to a man that wasn’t welcome. This story could have ended very differently if Adam hadn’t have had the courage to stand up.

If you happen to find yourself in this situation, there are things you can do. In Edinburgh, and throughout the UK, there is an easy solution. A simple code-word campaign has been launched for people feeling unsafe on a date called, “Ask for Angela”. It encourages people to discreetly ask for help by going to the bar and 'Ask for Angela' - a phrase aimed at alerting bar staff to the cry for help so they can help defuse the situation. Tinder date not going smoothly? Photo isn’t what it seemed? Has your date had one too many drinks? Most importantly DO YOU FEEL SAFE?

Enjoy your dates, stay safe, and make decisions with your head, not with your PHD.